Love. Unbounded generosity. Outreach. Extension within Boundaries. Strength. Withholding. Power.
As you may have noticed, if you’ve followed me over the previous several years, I haven’t been writing. Some of you know that my beloved father (z”l) passed away just before Pesach. Most of my energy has been directed towards absorbing that loss, a task that is made unbelievably more difficult because of the circumstances in which we all find ourselves.
I was, however, compelled to write today, considering the kabballah du jour. We are living in a time of stringent boundaries, out of a grave necessity. We are all traumatized by an experience that most of us have never known. Those still with us, who lived through the flu epidemic of 1918 (and there are a few!) may have echoes of understanding, the remnants of their forming consciousness as toddlers.
We need Boundaries. We need Love. We need to Withhold. We need to Extend ourselves.
I am among those who have resisted the language of “social distancing”. It is injurious at a time when we are in dire need of connection, of closeness. I prefer the language of “physical distancing”. I have found, though, that regardless of what I prefer, wish, believe, speak, that physical distancing results in social distancing.
How does this happen? It is hard for me to meet someone’s eyes and not want to draw near to them. It is hard for me to step away from a person and still meet their eyes. My body language says, “I don’t want to be near you!” How can I then look into their eyes? How can I look into the eyes of every person I encounter, when we all have giant question marks hanging over our heads? Will I get sick if I draw too near? Will I sicken you? The phenomenon of hidden carriers only adds to the alienation. I have detected a shadow of shame in myself, which I can’t exactly explain, but which I can’t deny. How can I meet your eyes when I feel ashamed?
Perhaps you are finding it easier than ever to connect with the people you see, knowing that we are all in this together. If that is the case, I rejoice! If your experience is similar to mine, you now know for certain that you are not alone. Most likely, it is not all one way all of the time for any of us. I am also aware that a new compassion has opened up in me, for which I am grateful. I feel deeply grateful for the fact that I was able to be by my father’s side when he crossed into his new reality, something impossible for so many right now. I grieve for those who are dying without the presence of family, and for the family members who are losing people they cannot be with.
I call on the Holy Presence to show me how to maximally Extend myself, give Unbounded Love, while having the Gevurah to maintain the necessary Boundaries.
I’d love to hear how you are experiencing and approaching this conundrum, if you’d love to share.
May you find ways to Reach Out in a time of Withholding. May you feel the Love through the Boundaries.
Shabbat Shalom.